Lost track

So since November I have seem to have lost track. I have experienced a loss of a brother in law who loved his 2 daughters deeply. Which has left me deeply sorrowful for my 2 beautiful nieces. So I committed this year to fast & pray for them as any family member would for their grieving young ones. His death effected me in a way that awakened my senses, working on not being a selfish, self involved person, simply because life is to short & time just runs out so fast and before you know it we sit back and wish we had made a bigger stamp on our world. With that thought I come to hold onto col. 1:16 that all things are made by him and for him. So my life is not my own to hold onto but to give back to my creator my savior my God. Jesus Christ whom I owe my every breath to for his sovereignty on my life. I don't have any answers for my life and where I am at today but wow I am amazed at my God and the wonders he allows me to see daily. People who give their lives for the gospel who so willing follow Jesus not by saying it but by living it. My heart & prayers are with those who give their lives back to Christ. They are the ones who encourage my soul to blaze a trail for Christ with my life & the lives of my children. To all who do so much for Christ you are my examples my strength & I love you for loving my God so much. To my children this year as we live, that you would see mommy give to others in away I have never given before. To my Alayna as you continue to pray in tongues and have great fear of the lake of fire ha! keep praying. To my Ava my realist with extreme faith in God, that your faith would never be shaken & that God keeps speaking to me and you through your dreams. Which by the way is so amazing. To my King that I would fall more & more in love with you as you keep revealing yourself to me in ways I never thought were possible, I serve you with all my heart and may your 3 girls minister to you this year.

Beatutiful Things...

Such a time as this...when there are many deceiver's of men in Colossians 2:8, any man means that all men are capable of being deceitful including me, that is why I must watch what I say that I may not grieve the Holy spirit but walk in Love toward all. I have often said my life has lead me to understand rejection & loss. I am one of those whose mother prayed & prayed for & even thow I wish my dusty path could of been different I am thankful because I have lost everything & I am always dependent on him for everything. My soul is what my mother prayed for & he did what he had to do to get my heart. Wow where would some of us be without our mothers prayers. I often wait for my girls to go to bed & I sit on the floor in between both beds with bible out & I pray over their souls. So without me knowing I have to become a praying mother. I here me saying things like Lord do whatever you have to do to ensure their souls be yours for all eternity. Ha! I can almost here my mother praying this & God saying to her, OK then I will do it "MY" way & in "MY" time. Ohhhh wow sometimes we pray for things & almost wish we could take it back...but in the end it will be worth it. I know my mother has cry ed as she has had to watch life almost be stolen from me to hear Gods cry for me to come to him. I heard that song Beautiful things today by Michael Gungor & it hit my spirit hard today cause I know other "Christians" that don't know me prejudge but little do they know God says to me & you that he sees in us what we don't. Beautiful things out of our dark times in our lives. Wow I am amazed at Jesus & the path he walked while here on earth. He amazes me! I heard a fellow friend say something quiet hurtful about me this week. Is it our job to know the heart of man, no its not mine or yours. As I prayed about this all the holy spirit was saying to me was Love, just Love as though you have never been hurt. What a challenge for sure. This is what I will try to keep doing. I may fail but I will keep trying. I know god will finish what he started in you & me. When I go to church instead of me judging my goal is to say thank you Lord for the work God is doing in my fellow church member. I know religion has had a hard time with redemption, I hear things like I believe in redemption however it can't change the past. No it can't...it forgets it & sees the many possibilities in your future as a kingdom builder. That's all i want to be is a Kingdom builder. Although religion has marked me off grace & mercy has kissed in my life & has marked me as the spill that produced beautiful things for the kingdom.

Serendipity

Although we don't believe in fairy tales we at times believe we are 3 princess's stumbling across this land finding fortunate discovery's while not in quest for them. What are these discovery's you might ask. Perhaps that wonderful spot we found that overlooks a sea of sand & seashells just waiting for tiny fingers to find, which leaves us amazed to observe the secrets of God's landscape. Or for me my 2 pearls I found washed up on shore as two little girls laugh with sand on their lips was a lovely discovery. New love for crashing waves on their toes. I knew they would love the sound of the beach but never so much that they would stand on a bench nearby & say their good byes with thankful hearts to our God. Or that sad homeless person we stopped to hand some food to and we ended up praying with & the tears that fell from her as she held my hand and how it did not matter what state she was in because love is what moves us and keeps us drawing close to him. You see My Jesus is guiding and all though my discovery's are not always wrapped in singing and jewels I am always lead to his arms at the end of my day...Has my Jesus given us our very own chapter of serendipity or is it simply that when you have completely surrendered to him he wraps the discomfort of this world in a map of quest you never knew you would see and discover. That is how our Jesus is working for us. As we walk the shores of this life I see & feel human frailty...even when God gives us a promise we still doubt it. How much clearer can God make things for us at times. Just in a moment of inviting him in and opening your heart to him he reveals himself to you in the obvious...that which was in front of you the whole time...the act of discovering something delightful when not looking. A disappointment of a delayed promise but hiding your faith in him to fulfill what you don't know will make you joyful and your life gives forth such praise that it draws you back to your Jerusalem your home the very place you started out & God reveals that it awaits you there your promise your moment of serendipity as I would say...that fortunate unexpected discovery. So my King put your hand upon 3 princess's and grace us with more serendipitous days ahead.

Our Jesus Chart

3 John 4 I have no greater Joy then to hear that my children walk in truth. This is my prayer and how we build the building blocks of our daily lives. I know I have made my choices and have my regrets but as I look back on all the brokenness of my yesterdays i am thankful. Without my brokenness I would not want to see others heartache and go with them to their low places. This is our new prayer that he would prepare us to go to the low place and love as Christ has loved us and reach down below as he has done for me. I heard the analogy of Jesus willing to clean up our messy diapers. As a parent you have no problem doing so because we love our children so much. So when we at times make a mess in our lives he is wonderful enough still to clean it up for us as long as we keep him as our father and our wills submitted to him. I am finding the wonder of this in my life some may not understand what has happened and why I have made poor choices but as I have stopped and focused with my babies on the one who is always there and will never leave us I find him cleaning up my messes and If I could describe to you my heart that has fallen so in love with this Jesus you would not believe the manner of conversation that has changed within myself. I will work as hard as I can to let my girls know that man will sometimes fail you but Jesus will not. When your lonely they know hes there to hold your hand as they watch me reach to him. They hear the comfort he always gives me and as Ava says to all around her you can not see him but you can feel him and that is the Jesus we look at with amazement that he would die on a cross for us. We sit sometimes and talk about it and I cry and they cry and He is very present with us daily. If I can take that message to any I come across then my yesterday tears were so worth it. Our father is our Joy that is why we kiss the Jesus on our chart.

Two Apples

Today two slender trees sprout their buds of fruit and then I see two apples unfold their rose. They have been planted by Gods hand and they dazzle in the sun. The very scent of ripeness rushed over me and I stall. There sure enough was two growing apple trees that has eased itself into summers leaves. I just pray that the seasons of my life have made a wise and strong apple tree to produce the leaves for blue birds to find rest and perch their nest. The discovery of my Jesus has left me with Joy that he has handed me my two apple trees.

Tasted Love so sweet

Tasted love so sweet...sugar on my tongue. This was one of my most heart felt moments I ever had with my Ava. The discovery of broken hearts and discovery that in the end dreams just scatter and sometimes fall like rain. The emotion of my sugar was a gift to me this day. A day where I did not paint a canvas of emotions instead she did for me. We discussed the mystery of roads and the path that sometimes causes tears to fall and then my heart has revealed to myself that this world is a heartbreak place where tired talk of a better world becomes hard to keep awake. I hold her as she opens up her little heart of such grown up words and then a cascade of tears fall from me and then her...we lay and cry together and become encouraged to make this dream of us come true. Her fingers roll over my face & mine over hers as if my disclaimer on her is that I would miss the taste of wanting her & how I would never auction our memories simply because it brought us here holding each others worlds. With every touch my life is awakened and her precious little tears fall on my lips and now I know I have tasted love so sweet.

My dream for a Garden!

I had a dream...it lead me to quiet places where I began to pray and cry out to the almighty and that dream died. Now I have a dream to change the world around me. Instead of God knocking on my door, I am knocking on his...to let me plant, to let me water, to let me see seeds grow. My garden is not a garden of stones, that I collect everyday and pick whom I will throw them at, or a haven for those who want to wallow in self pity. No...You see my life will bring into your life your strawberry patch of red ripe sweet flavor and a fragrance of your divine connection to live a whole life and life that brings you a basket of fruit. 1 Corin 3:9-10 tells me that For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. (10)According to the grace of God which is given unto me, as a wise masterbuilder, I have laid the foundation, & another buildeth thereon. But let every man take heed how he buildeth thereupon. I want to show you the master builder of my life. My Jesus has given me a supernatural nightlight to see beyond all of this into his arms to build for his kingdom not mine. I will never loose this light that shines so beautiful in my heart. To see him and behold his glory is my dream...until then I dream his dreams. All I can bring you is Gods Love Language. I wake with the Joy that overshadows what this world and life will bring. It abides deep within me. I am changed! I will never be the same! I will work to make the one I'm in love with rich with fruit.